Breath
by Notaferret
Summary: Sakura did what she had to. He wasn't her teammate anymore. He tried to kill her, to kill her friends, to destroy what little she could say she loved. He was a traitor, no matter how much the little girl with big eyes and small dreams in the back of her mind screams that she is wrong.
1. Chapter 1

When I was thirteen and first started having nightmares my mother told me the best way to calm down was to list facts. The color of things in your room, what you can smell, hear, taste, touch, your age, your fondest memory, anything that was undeniably real. It's one of the few pieces of advice from my mother I still use to this day.

My sheets are red , my blanket white and fluffy. My ears are ringing from the blood rushing to my head in my panic. I can taste iron from where I bit my cheek when trying not to scream. I can smell ink, an inkwell I forgot to cap and will now have to replace, and sweat. It smells like sai after training.

When I was twelve me and my two genin teammates spent the day following our sensei, trying to see what was under his mask. Every time we got close someone would distract us and we would miss it. Our sensei lead us in circles around the village. It was a homebrewed mission that was never accomplished but I will always remember.

And then Sasuke left the village.

And Naruto left too.

I trained until I couldn't move.

I became chunin.

Naruto came back.

We got a new teammate.

Sai's such an ass.

We ran the hundredth mission to bring Sasuke back.

We ran the last mission to bring Sasuke back.

I killed a traitor.

I killed a teammate.

Naruto refuses to talk to me.

Kakashi doesn't even pretend to smile.

And I am hyperventilating.

My walls are pink.

My lamp is yellow.


	2. Chapter 2

Sakura sighed as she hung her lab coat on her office door and picked up her bag to leave. The dark circles under her eyes were carefully hidden and her smiles carefully faked, yet she still got such pitying looks. But, at least no one called her a murderer, or a friend killer. At least besides…

_Naruto had tears streaming down his face as they stood on opposite sides of the bridge leading to training ground 7._

_"How could you Sakura?" he screamed at her, tears traveling faster now._

_"He was a traitor, Naruto. If I didn't kill him he would have us." Each word she forced from her throat felt like shards of shattered glass. What she'd give to be back in her room, sobbing into her pillows and letting the numbness wash over her._

_"No he wouldn't," the kyuubi's chakra started to seep out of him. "I could have convinced him! I could have brought him back," he began to run towards her. "You're worse than trash, you killed your teammate. YOU'RE A MURDERER." Sakura stood rooted to her spot, even if he struck her she didn't think she would be able to move. But, he was stopped abruptly by Kakashi, appearing between them and blocking them from each other's views. Eventually, Naruto wailed and ran off into the training grounds and Kakashi turned to her._

_"Kakashi sensei, I…" her voice was so broken, so weak. She wanted to cry. Kakashi just stared back at her. It reeked of disappointment, and she almost burst into tears right there. But she didn't. And she wouldn't, at least not until an hour later, when the scroll declaring the official disbandment of team 7 was in her hands._

She sighed, and opened her office door, only to come face to face with the only ex-teammate she hasn't seen since the mission. He grabbed her arm and began pulling her out of the building. She tried to ask him what he was doing, but only got as far as his name before being interrupted.

"Just because we're not on the same team anymore doesn't mean you can skip our weekly training sessions, hag."

Sakura almost smiled.

… … …

Ink and sweat, the smell was unbelievably strong from where she layed next to Sai. But, it was oddly comforting. Sai was still terrible with expressing himself and understanding emotions, but he knew enough. He knew she'd need stress relief from dealing with the loss of Sasuke, and her friendship with naruto, and team 7 itself. It may not of seemed like much to an outsider, but she knew how much he was trying, how much this showed he cared.

Sakura turned her head to face him. His eyes were closed and his breathing had evened out. She knew he wasn't sleeping though. He would never fall asleep in the open, or near another person for that matter.

"Sai," she nudged him with her elbow. He slowly opened his eyes and turned to her. "Thank you."

He turned back to the sky. "I have no idea what you're talking about, hag. I just didn't want to see you get weaker than you already are."

Sakura huffed. "Yeah right, Sai. I kicked your ass."

He pulled that irritating fake smile onto his face. "While that may of happened, I won the fight, since your ugly face was beneath me in the end." Sakura growled and stood up.

"How about a round two then, pale ass." Sai smirked, and then lunged.

… … …

In the end, it was sakura who won the second round, but sai who won the tiebreaker game of rock paper scissors. Meaning Sakura had to pay for the post training meal. As they sat at one of the akimichi barbeque restaurants, hot food filling their stomachs, friendly jabs floating through the air, Sakura almost felt human again. Almost.

…

Sakura was 13 when she had her first kill. A wide eyed genin on a c ranked mission. Her second solo mission. She was coming home when she ran into a rouge nin. He wasn't strong enough to be in the bingo books, but he was strong enough to scare her. In the end, it was all muscle memory and adrenaline. She didn't even know what she did until she wad trying desperately to wipe the blood off.

She cried after her first kill.

First on the dirt road by a pool of the nameless ninja's blood.

Then again during her report.

And a third time that night until she fell asleep, too exhausted to continue.

And, of course, for the forth time when she woke screaming mere hours later.

And every night for the following week, she would cry again. Until the next week, when it was only 5 times, and the week after only 4. Until, eventually, she would only have nightmares after a new kill of a particularly stressful mission.

When Sakura killed Sasuke, it was while enthralled in a similar mix of adrenaline and muscle memory. Unlike her first kill, she wasn't alone. Naruto, Kakashi, and Sai were there. When images of what ifs were conjured in her mind it wasn't just her death she saw, but theirs as well. So, she moved.

It was surprisingly easy, thinking back on it.

One strike, while he was distracted taunting naruto and charging up a chidori.

One strike with a kunai, aided by a bit of chakra, straight through his throat.

One strike, and this man she had put on a pedestal all her life was at her feat.

One strike and this man that terrified her with images of her death, and that of her friends, could never scare her again.

One strike, and his blood sprayed forward, hitting naruto's face.

One strike and she simultaneously severed Sasuke's life and her friendship with naruto.

One strike…

Sakura didn't cry after she killed Sasuke.

Her eyes watered when Naruto dropped to his knees beside his best ffriend's body and wailed.

And tears threatened to fall when Kakashi looked at her like she was a traitor, despite never looking at Sasuke that way.

She came really close when Naruto called her a murderer while looking at her like she was a monster.

But she didn't cry after killing Sasuke.

She only cried after she realized team seven died with him.

…

Sakura laid awake in bed, her eyes red, not from crying, but from lack of sleep. Sai was still her friend. Sai cared for her. But he couldn't help her, and he couldn't understand. No matter how much he would try.

She squeezed her eyes shut to prevent herself from crying, pressing one hand over her mouth as the other clutched her side, bunching up her shirt and pinching her skin. Her back arched from the emotional pain turned physical as she muffled a scream. Sasuke deserved to die. He was a traitor. He tried to kill her. To kill her friends. He left the village in search of power. He would of killed her if given the chance, so why? Why was it so painful? Why couldn't she just sleep? To fall numb to the world as her body untensed all its painful coils was all she wished for. She wished it was all just numb.

She vaguely remembers a time were numbness was an enemy, instead of a welcomed friend. But she can't remember why.


	3. Chapter 3

18 wasn't a particularly remarkable age to start in Anbu. It was a few years under the average, but nothing warranting a second glance. It was nothing special.

… She was nothing special.

Her first mission went off without a hitch. Her only injury was a cut on her upper arm, a fraction of a fraction of a second that she shouldn't of taken to dodge, but it was healed within the minute. She had been accompanied by a senior operative. He only spoke once the entire mission, just four words. "Target neutralized, mission completed." It wasn't surprising, some conversation would have been nice but sakura couldn't quite find the energy to care. He was only there to make sure she was competent. Nothing else.

Since then she'd taken many more missions.

Take out some high level bandits tormenting a town.

Rescue a lord's son who had run away.

Kill a trespassing rogue from mist.

Retrieve a stolen scroll from an Ame base.

Kill a lord leaking sensitive information, a heart attack in his sleep.

Collect samples of a high level poison found only in the land of rock.

Kill a nin who went rogue, make it messy.

All of these missions, she took alone. It was surprisingly freeing, to be able to move without fear of stepping on anyone's heals. To have no one in front of her.

The numbness was always strongest when she was alone.

In between these missions she worked at the hospital. She had been promoted to hospital head while shizune took head of research. Whenever she met with patients she wore her perfectly crafted smile. No one ever saw through it, and if they did they never said anything.

Perhaps the simple answer was that none of them cared.

Sakura accepted the thought and packed it away as she opened her next patient's door.

"Good afternoon Megumi-San, what seems to be the problem today?" Her voice was light and cheerful, completely detached from her inner thoughts.

…

The knock at her door surprised her. It didn't startle her, but it wasn't expected. Sai had taken to silently appearing next to her whenever he came over, he hadn't knocked in months. It was similar with the occasional anbu operative who came to collect her, but they'd typically send a messenger hawk anyway. The knock didn't sound urgent, so she doubted this was about some sort of emergency at the hospital. The knock sounded harsh and deliberate. She couldn't think of anyone who it could be.

Sakura stood and walked to get the door. Her apartment was small, so it didn't take long.

Ino had her arm raised to knock again. This time, sakura was startled.

"Sakura…" Ino looked surprised to see her, despite having just been knocking at her door.

"In-Yamanaka-san, is there something you need?"

Ino's look of astonishment quickly morphed into rage. She reached forward and grab Sakura by the front of her shirt. The pinkette tensed as she forced herself not to counter the blonde's momovements.

"How dare you, forehead! You shut yourself away from the world, I don't see you for months, I have to squeeze your pale-ass, emotionally constipated teammate for information on where you are because you moved apartments and your response when I knock on the door is, "Is there something you need, Yamanaka-san?" That's bullshit." The steaming woman pushed her blank faced friend backwards into the apartment before walking in herself and slamming the door.

Sakura took two steps back as she locked eyes with the woman who was once her best friend. "I understood you needing space, Sakura. I knew you wouldn't want to talk, but I don't understand why you're doing this now. Tell me. Tell me why."

"Aren't you angry?" Sakura's face was blank. She couldn't feel it anymore than she could her fingers as the numbness spread through her body with every beat of her heart.

"Angry? For what you did on that mission?" Sakura twitched. "oh, Sakura, I'm not angry about that. I'm angry for what you're doing now." Ino paused. Silenced reigned. "Sakura, why aren't you answering?" She took a step forward. "Sakura, please, talk to me." Sakura remained silent. "Sakura, please?" She through her arms around her best friend in desperation. "Please!" she cried out. "Just say something, please." Her voice threatened to break.

Sakura didn't breathe. Ino was so warm. She couldn't remember the last time she's felt this. But the comfort was overwhelmed by the panic of change. It was like electricity jolting the numbness away and it scared her. Now that she though about it, she couldn't remember the last time she felt fear either. A whisper coming from the back of her mind wanted her to lean into it. It pleaded for her to. Sakura managed to lift her arm but…

She pushed Ino back. "I'm sorry Yamanaka-San, but I have a shift at the hospital soon," she plastered her fake smile reserved for her patients onto her face.

Sakura closed her eyes so she couldn't see the anguished look on her once best friend's face as she ran out of the apartment.

…

Perhaps it was because she couldn't remember the last time she ate. Or because she had spent all of last night staring at the ceiling instead of sleeping. Or because she's felt like there was a new pressure on her lungs that, paired with the ever aching numbness she's felt since team seven disbanded, wouldn't let her breathe. Ever since last week, when she pushed Ino away, it's like her body is finally decaying.

She stumbled in a way unbecoming of the high level shinobi she was. Numb. She was so numb. It was like an ever present friend. Perhaps it'll stay even after the end.

She knows she shouldn't enjoy it.

She knows where the numbness will take her.

She should rip away from it instead of letting it lead her by her hand to her death.

But she lets it happen anyway. She can't bring herself to care anymore.

She stumbles once more. She goes to move on but stops when she hears a growl. She forces her vision focus as she looks to the source.

She hadn't meant to walk here. She'd meant to go home, but she wasn't thinking.

Ahead of her was the bridge that held so many memories. She could almost see her 12 year old self yelling at her lazy sensei alongside her hyperactive teammate as Sasuke leaned against the railing with an annoyed scowl. But her now adult teammate was the only one there.

"You have no right to be here," he practically growled the words.

Sakura didn't rrespond.

This made naruto even angrier he came up and pushed her. "Trash isn't allowed here."

Sakura stumbled back, a shudder went through her body.

"Leave! I hate you!"

He pushed her again.

"You don't deserve the headband you wear."

Again.

"You're a terrible person."

It's not fair.

"You've never been a real teammate."

Sasuke hurt them all so much, why was he never treated like this.

"We all hate you!"

Sai didn't hate her.

"You'll never be a good shinobi."

She was ranked s in the bingo books.

"Sasuke was my friend."

Sasuke wanted them all dead.

"You'll never be worth what you did."

She wasn't the traitor.

"You'll always be a terrible useless shinobi."

She wasn't the terrible or useless one!

"Sasuke always was and always will be more than you!"

Fuck this.

"How are you so stupid Naruto!" She yelled out. "Sasuke was a traitor who didn't deserve any of the love we gave him. When will you see that the pedestal you have him on is bullshit!"

Naruto matched her screaming and then some. "At least he didn't kill his teammate! At least he wasn't worse than trash!"

Sakura let out a screech that tore through her throat as it shaped itself into words. "He is worse than scum! He abandoned us, Naruto. He abandoned his team, so he's worse than trash, he didn't deserve to walk the same ground as us." Her voice was filled with pain and venom and her face was red with rage.

"Well at least he wasn't a murderer," his volume cause his voice to break.

"Yes he was!" in those three words, her voice didn't even sound human. "he tried to kill me twice. He would have if he could." She gasped, the sound raspy as she desperately pulled air into her lungs trying to regain some sense of collection. "but… why would that matter to you, right? I'm just the annoying kunoichi. The dead weight that has to be protected. I was never a teammate to begin with, you said it yourself. I was never meant to be worth anything! No, my life doesn't matter does it? I've always be nothing and I always will be. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF I HAD DIED AND SASUKE CAME BACK AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR TERRIBLE, USELESS, TEAMMATE, RIGHT?"

That final scream of indignation and raw pain brought Naruto back to reality. That monster he had built in his head, the monster that made it so he could never have his best friend back, was suddenly gone. And standing there in it's place, was Sakura.

Sakura who constantly yelled at him for his manners.

Sakura who healed him when he was reckless.

Sakura who was always right behind him.

Sakura who he had left behind.

Sakura who would always rather heal than harm.

Sakura who loved him.

Sakura who was _crying_.

Naruto tried to speak, but was unable to as what he'd done washed over him.

In the time it took for Naruto to have this revelation, Sakura's pain fueled, raging fury turned into an ice cold malice. She let out a puff of air that was almost a laugh and began to walk away.

"I really hope you never become Hokage, Naruto. You'd be the end of this village this village."


End file.
